Why Do People Hate Gatekeepers?

It’s simple. People don’t like being told they’re wrong, they don’t like being told what to do, they don’t like being inconvenienced, they don’t like being rejected, and they don’t like being punished, all of which are the job of a gatekeeper. What’s not the job of a gatekeeper, is to take things personally and be rude.

What is a Gatekeeper?

Anyone that stands between you and something you need or want to do. For example: cops, judges, landlords, bosses, managers, parents, teachers, customer support reps, forum mods, and don’t forget literal gatekeepers like: guards, TSA, parking attendants, toll booth operators, etc.

These types of positions are all extremely necessary, but they also receive a lot of hate, naturally. Some of these people grow a thick skin and are able to handle people that get angry with compassion, but a more common kind of gatekeeper, begins to hate the people they control right back and after being worn down, have a terrible bedside manner, and are no longer capable of treating people with a sense of decency or degree. Rather, everyone is an asshole and moron, and they gain a disposition to treat everyone that way, across the board.

As much as you hate going to the DMV and standing in line, trust me, many of those workers behind their desks hate you too and to blow off steam, probably make fun of you on their break. This is all natural, psychology 101 kind of stuff here. We’re all just human beings after all. No one can ever be completely professional, polite, and objective, 100% of the time. But, as is the case with humans everywhere, there are good ones and bad ones; there are good gatekeepers and there are bad gatekeepers.

Who Should be a Gatekeeper?

Someone who’s intelligent, mature, secure, has experience, empathy, patience, and can remain calm when people get upset (which is inevitable). On the other hand, this is a tough one, much tougher than who shouldn’t be a gatekeeper. I’ll give you a hypothetical example as to why…

Think about the world’s best brain surgeon. Say they’re so good that only they can do X, Y, and Z, making them perhaps one of the most exceptional gatekeepers, and an irreplaceable asset. They alone, have saved more lives than all the other brain surgeons in the country, combined.

There’s just one problem, they’re an arrogant prick and outside of serving their own ego to save the physical lives of patients, they don’t actually give a fuck about those patients’ emotions. They have terrible bedside manner and make their patients cry with their indifference.

Should they be fired? Probably not; they’re not expendable. That’s an extreme example of course. I think in most gatekeeper positions though, your ability to have empathy, to treat people with respect should be mandatory, or get the fuck out.

Who Shouldn’t be a Gatekeeper?

I think at some point, everyone gets the chance to be a gatekeeper, and if that person was bullied or had a controlling parent or feels weak or insecure, it might be the perfect storm for them to take advantage of and abuse the power and control they have as a gatekeeper. Of course, in an entirely different person, those same circumstances might be the very reason they make a concerted effort to NOT be an asshole, because they know what it’s like on the receiving end.

Both The Milgram Experiment and The Stanford Prison Experiment are useful reads to learn about how easy it is for people to both follow orders blindly and behave badly when put into hierarchical chains of command.

I Try Not to be an Asshole

I have a boatload of experience being a gatekeeper, nearly 20 years! And I’ll admit, while I’ll never be perfect, I was much worse in the beginning. Even in the very beginning when I was much younger and more immature, I still tried to be kind and positive, but if someone said “Fuck you!” I didn’t have the discipline to not say it back. I do have that discipline now and more life experience and a better understanding of psychology, but there’s always room for improvement.

For many years now though, while I’m sure that plenty of people have still hated me for the mere fact of my being in the role of a gatekeeper between them and something they wanted, I can happily say it hasn’t been for intentionally being rude, or sarcastic, or publicly shaming them, or making them feel stupid, or punishing them in retaliation. I do my best to help them AND not make them feel bad.

Ultimately, the problem is that many gatekeepers out there (I’m sure you’ve come across them) think that their only job is to keep the gate, but the secret is that they need to be nice while they’re doing it too or one day, even if they think they’re irreplaceable, they just might be.

Conclusion

Fuck gatekeepers, yes, but also they’re simply unavoidable. Even if you’re the richest person in the world, you still can’t avoid gatekeepers. It’s a necessary part of civil society. In my experience, the ratio of rude people to nice people is the same for both gatekeepers and the people they’re dealing with, 3:1.

Whatever side you’re on, you cannot control the other side; you can only control your own. Whatever side I’m on, I do my best to be polite and professional. Unfortunately, it’s not mandatory; it’s merely a choice. Only the people above the gatekeepers, the policy makers, have the ability to enforce their gatekeepers to behave. The problem is that they usually don’t, and those gatekeepers go unchecked.

It was a rough night, and I needed to unwind so I logged into Netflix and clicked on “Striking Vipers,” and that was the beginning of my Black Mirror craze. The episode opens our eyes to technology, homosexuality, homophobia and stereotypes.

It also looked into the ability of social media to make it easier for people to lead double lives.

Two of the male characters played the video game together and virtually, despite one of the them choosing a female player, would engage in coital activities.

The married one found it quite difficult to come to terms with his sexuality in real life, making him resent his friend for ‘awakening’ those feelings in him.

Social Media Approval

Yet another Black Mirror episode entitled “Nose Dive” continually showed that social media forces people to lead fake lives.

Throughout the show, we can see how fake the protagonist is, to the point of attempting to master a fake laughter that would be considered “classy” to the people with higher ratings.

The episode shows us the extent to which people portray fake online personas to mask their sad, empty, and destructive lives. It was an eye opener for me since I’ve also minimized sharing too much on social media.

The technology that binds us on the interwebs can easily be used as a tool for even further destruction.

Such cases have led to people, especially young girls, committing suicide simply because they didn’t receive enough interaction on their social media.

Is it really worth it to lose your authenticity over validation from online strangers?

Judging People

With the online fakeness and false curation, you realize that:

“Social media will have you envying someone you should actually pity.”

That quote is from a tweet that went viral on Twitter and I came across it, at a time when I needed it the most.

In “Nose Dive,” for example, the protagonist loses everything and she even goes down to almost a 1-star rating, but she does not refrain from judging other people.

Authenticity is, in fact, the only key to ensuring that people do not strive to lead fake lives behind their computer or phone screens.

I live by Anthony Bourdain’s quote which states that:

“Once your reputation is ruined, you can live life freely.”

You’re stressed, you’re tired, and you feel like the weight of the world is bearing down on you with such intensity that you just can’t take it anymore. Suddenly, something small happens. Something that you would have laughed off any other day, but it is now slowly making you more and more upset. You start to panic with your heart racing, sweating, and a dry mouth that has you running to the refrigerator every ten minutes.

You are having a panic attack and believe it or not, getting out of it can be quite easy. Now that doesn’t mean it always is, especially as the symptoms continue to climb and create space in your brain. However, with that being said, one way to stop it from doing just that is to distract yourself. And what better way to distract yourself than with video games?

According to Bradley University:

“Using video games as a mental health treatment option has its roots in game theory, which was introduced as early as 1975. Games and play allow patients to feel unencumbered by normal, daily pressures, resulting in the ability to more freely express themselves. This fact can help counselors and other mental health professionals get to the root of a patient’s disorder, leading to more effective treatment.”

So why not kick back, relax, and immerse yourself into the world of your favorite video game. My own grandfather told me one time when I visited him in Ohio, that dealing with panic attacks was just a game of distraction. He then told me to find some games I could play on my phone when I felt I was freaking out. I ended up downloading Best Fiends and a few card games to play.

And you know what? It freaking worked a lot of the time. Yeah, it doesn’t work every single time, which is why other coping mechanisms should probably be utilized with it, but video games are truly a great way to escape our reality. Instead of thinking about daily pressures, mounting bills and a relationship that just isn’t working, you can think about power-ups, level completion and finally rescuing the princess.

When I got home from my trip to Ohio I remembered the words my grandfather had told me and decided to purchase a Game Boy Advance. I also purchased Pokémon Yellow and dove back into my early childhood for awhile. I had Pikachu following me around, I was crushing on Misty when I saw her sprite, and working myself up to compete for with The Elite Four.

Thing is, I ended up needing all of that due to the real life problems I was going through at the time. I was depressed, slept all day, and didn’t know how I was going to pass college. I just didn’t believe in myself I guess and was in a dark place. The one thing that brought me out of that dark place though was playing through arguably my favorite video game.

According to Professor Constantine Sedikides:

“Nostalgia compensates for uncomfortable states, for example, people with feelings of meaninglessness or a discontinuity between past and present. What we find in these cases is that nostalgia spontaneously rushes in and counteracts those things. It elevates meaningfulness, connectedness and continuity in the past. It is like a vitamin and an antidote to those states. It serves to promote emotional equilibrium, homeostasis.”

That’s a pretty good summary of what I felt that day and every time I turn on a gaming system to escape life in general. Another way it can help though is panic attacks! Think about it! Instead of getting lost in your feelings, thinking negatively, or freaking out, why not just fire up a video game? Give yourself some time to process what you are dealing with and play your favorite game in the meantime!

Allan Reiss and others at Stanford University tested what video games did to the specific brain regions and if the pleasure region was one of those activated. The University had test subjects play a game where the player would win or loss territory based on clicks. The subjects then underwent a brain scan to see what the affects of the play-through were.

According to Psychology Today:

“Video game play, a completely unnatural behavior divorced from intrinsic reward, activated the pleasure circuit to some degree in all subjects. Perhaps video games tap into some very general pleasure related to agency, and goal fulfillment. It’s also likely that many video games offer a very highly effective reward schedule: Just like puffing cigarettes, the pleasurable moments they provide are brief, but they have rapid onset and are repeated often.”

In the end, playing back through my old favorite video game, and kicking the butt of The Elite Four mind you, gave me joy in a way that I just wasn’t experiencing in my life at that time. I couldn’t wait to escape my troubles and go walk around towns with Pikachu by my side. That was also the first time I actually used Pikachu to his full potential and made him apart of my Elite Four team.

Hopefully you find the same kind of joy in the video games that you play. Whether that be the newest edition of Madden, Call of Duty, or even Pokemon, just escape reality. Enjoy yourself for awhile. Take a step back from the stressors that are freaking you out and take time to hang out with your video games. It’s a pretty fun way to cope.

Please note. I am not a medical professional and do not claim to be. I am simply showing a potential coping mechanism to those that enjoy video games or another form of digital media. With that being said, if you or someone you know is in danger of hurting themselves, please call 1-800-273-8255.

Writer

Writer is a term that has been very romanticized. It’s often reserved for someone who writes novels, journals, essays, and the like. However, many people, regardless of exactly what it is that they write, how much, or how successfully, would have no shame in claiming the title of writer. But, who decides if someone is a writer, your peers, critics? Perhaps it really only is a matter of you deciding that that’s who you are. Not what you do (especially for a living), but who you are, like an artist (and writing very much is a form of art), and maybe it only requires that intent.

Journalist

Journalism is a very different beast. What makes for a good writer, is exactly what’s all wrong, for what it takes to be a good journalist. Journalists are non-fiction writers, reporting the facts, and like judges and juries (despite it being quite impossible to escape subjective opinion completely), aim to bring the facts as fairly and neutrally as possible, keeping personal opinion, bias, agenda, politics, and religion out of it. In other words, truth for the sake of truth. The best journalists, the ones that can exemplify these virtues most honorably, I have come to consider synonymous with the Pulitzer Prize (I could be wrong).

Blogger

This is the space in which 99% of writers, including myself, live in. It’s neither as romantic or glamorous or financially rewarding as being a writer, nor does it come with as much scrutiny or pressure for integrity as a journalist (although I certainly try my best to be as honest and accurate as possible). I’ve written hundreds of articles, essays, poetry, fictional stories, etc., but I’ve never quite had the stomach for claiming to be a writer. It just always felt so arrogant and self-important.

Not everyone can be a writer or journalist, but anyone can be a blogger. Since they let any ol’ dumb-dumb (like myself) with access to a keyboard share their thoughts with the world, it can be a tool, like any other, used for hate. Words really do have power. We’re currently experiencing some very confusing times where words are concerned. On one hand, I care very strongly about free speech, and on the other, that doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to provide a soapbox for others to say anything they like.

I think the biggest misconception about free speech, is that it’s the right to say out loud or write down publicly absolutely anything that pops into your head. That’s not how it works at all. Intent is everything. For example, defamation is illegal. You cannot be libelous (writing untrue statements) or slanderous (speaking untrue statements) about someone in a way that could hurt their reputation, livelihood, or very safety. There’s some gray area when it comes to celebrities and public figures, especially in regard to parody, but it’s pretty simple. Using words to incite hate and violence toward someone is not a defendable use of free speech.

However, if you merely disagree with the views of others or they offend you, that does not give you the right to censor them. Rather, you should openly disagree with and debate their views. That is what free speech is about. The ability to both share your views and disagree with other people’s views without the fear of being silenced. Of course, it’s a complex subject, and I’m not an expert. That’s why I can only claim to be a blogger, no longer hip, that word may be.